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I've been a singer ever since I could
remember. A really good one, too;) I've also been performing ever since I
could remember. And, I have also always have extremely intense performance
anxiety. Can't think of a time when I didn't feel sick or wish I would die
before and while onstage (I really, really wanted to die. That's not an
exaggeration. I wanted death over having to go out onstage in front of
people.) - extreme nausea, feeling out of my body, completely detached.
In fact, I'd say that the only way I made it through performances in the
past was to be in this state where I was really not conscious. I'd finish
with a performance and have no clue what had just happened. Not in a good
way. None of this bodes well for a person who dreams of performing for
large audiences. Or any audiences. I got to the point where I even had
trouble singing in front of ONE PERSON. Except maybe for my family. When I
sang by myself, everything was good and it felt like flying...I loved it
and knew it was a part of what I'm here to do.
And I have always had the desire to perform and share this love with
others and have known that's also a part of what I'm here to do. The
struggle between the desire to perform and the anxiety tore me up.
I took a break from performing for many years because it took such a toll
on me physically and emotionally. I got to the point where I would
actually be physically ill before performances. So I just stopped. After
working with The Healing Codes on several other issues, I decided it was
time to address performance. I'd begun a jazz duo and had several
opportunities popping up to perform in great venues. In fact, I started
doing The Codes on performance a week before a film premiere I was booked
to sing (I'd recommend not procrastinating;). I was under the gun.
Not only did I pull it off with flying colors, I actually almost enjoyed
myself! Two weeks later (I continued to work on performance along with
some other issues) I was singing at my now regular venue and found that
the following happened (this is my favorite part!): You know how you're
performing or speaking or something along those lines and you get to the
point that is hard or that you usually mess up?
There's that thought of, "Oh, God, here it comes...I'm gonna mess it up,
I'm gonna mess it up...this is going to be horrible." Well, I was singing
a song that has a high part that is a little tricky to change from lower
range into upper range and I always used to cringe just before that part.
That thought kicked in - "Oh, boy, here we go...I'm gonna mess it up..."
And then the most amazing thing happened - a NEW thought came in and took
over and it was this: "I can do this. I'm going to take a really deeeep
breathe from my belly and NAIL THIS!!!"
And I did! That same thing happened again and again that night. And it
just happened automatically. I didn't try to make those thoughts change.
They just changed!
Now I find that the "I can do this" thoughts come more frequently and
easily than the others. And man, oh man, is that nice. I'm actually
getting to the point of really, really enjoying performing in front of
people. And people respond to that enjoyment. After my last performance
one of the audience members came up to me and said, "I had to leave the
room during the first song. It was so beautiful it made me start crying.
You really need to be in New York or something!" It feels good to reach
people and to perform in this way I've been wanting to for so long. And
more opportunities are popping up for bigger audiences and venues without
my doing anything!
Thank you Alex.
Big love,
Lorrie
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